Anna’s Story

My story starts when I was just a little kid, probably about 5 years old or so. I asked Christ into my heart around this time, and I was surrounded by the love and encouragement of an amazing family. I can remember being fearless. I was very outgoing and very excited about meeting new people. However, that all changed very soon after that. In elementary school, I had to change schools a few times and I really didn’t know where I fit. I was also so quick to hold onto anything negative that anyone said about me. I became the girl who didn’t want to be noticed, and I began to retreat inside of myself; believing the lies and basically believing that I was worthless. I would avoid talking to people because I had convinced myself that they wouldn’t want to talk to me. I only got involved in things that I knew could do well in, and I stayed away from things that would involve possible failure. And, while I did have some great friends during this time who loved me the way I was, I didn’t let them all the way into my life. In my mind, keeping people at an arm’s length was easier than getting hurt.

It wasn’t until high school that things began to change. Relationships were mended in some areas but I was still holding onto lies as a sort of security blanket. If I believed them, then I wouldn’t have to change the way I was and risk possible failure or rejection. These lies slowly began to disintegrate though. Because of some really great influences in my life, I was able to start seeing that it didn’t matter what others thought. These people didn’t need to be beauty queens, three sport athletes, or be making six figures to have joy; they found joy in the Lord. I really wanted to feel this way too, but I couldn’t fully grasp how to do that. I really didn’t think that I was enough.

When I graduated high school, I knew I wanted to change even more. I even spoke about college as the chance to break out of the molds that had been formed for a person at my high school graduation. The problem with this was that word I. I was strong and independent and I was going to change without God’s help. I could do it by myself. It turns out I couldn’t. I got to NDSU and I tried my hardest to be super outgoing and bubbly, and it was exhausting. I couldn’t keep it up because that’s just not who I am. I found people around me whose personalities I just envied. I wanted to be exactly like them. They could talk to anybody without it being awkward, and they had seemingly no problems with insecurities. When I couldn’t be this person, I found myself right back in my high school situation. This was a comfortable situation, yes, but one that I didn’t want to be in anymore.

Lucky for me, there was a girl on my floor who insisted that I go to fallapalooza with her. It was there that I really realized the need for Christ in my life. After that, I also began to meet some of the greatest people in the world who are still some of my best friends today. These girls have really spoken truth into my life over the years and have been an amazing influence in my life. I can also remember two other examples of huge, aha! moments, if you will. The first one was actually at a little retreat called TCX2 in the spring of my sophomore year. A bunch of people were just sitting around chatting when the question came up, “If you could change one thing about one person, what would it be?” I was shocked when one of my friends said, “Anna, I wish you could see yourself as God sees you. I wish you could see yourself as you really are.” That really confused me. Up until that point, I had no idea of the effect that my negative self worth had on those around me. I had also never really thought about what God thought of me in that way before. I knew that God loved me and created me, but I didn’t understand what that meant. The second happened at TCX a few years back. I was listening to a speaker in one of our breakout sessions who was talking about being happy with who God made you. She proceeded to say something that absolutely boggled my mind. She said, “How can we dare to tell God that what he created in us is worthless? Because we are his creation, because he chose to make us the way he did, we are basically telling God that he did a bad job.” The more I thought about that, the truer it became. I began to realize that because it was God who chose to make me the way I was, he probably had a plan in mind. And on top of that, I shouldn’t just be ‘ok’ with what God had chosen, but I should be grateful because I was specifically created by the creator of the universe. I don’t know the specific plans God has in store for me, or how he is going to use the personality he has given me, but he does. And, I have begun to take comfort in that.

Looking back over the years, I can see God’s hand at work, guiding me to where I am today. And, I trust that he will continue this change that he’s started in me. I’d like to say that things changed overnight, but they didn’t. The process of seeing through the lies in my life has been a long tough battle that I still struggle with at times today. But, the more that I rely on my identity in Christ, the easier it becomes. If this is something that you struggle with or can relate to, I challenge you to try to view yourself as God sees you, and to realize that God does not make mistakes. Everyone is of his specific design and we all have our strengths and weaknesses, but God knows those and He will use them for his glory.